006 - secret power of stories
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[00:00:00] I was sitting with a friend once and we were talking and then suddenly she said, Simon, why do you think that? And I told her, but even as I was telling her, I realized my reasons were not good ones. And within a few minutes, my whole way of thinking on that subject had completely [00:00:15] changed because I realized it was built on faulty reasoning.
And it all started with a simple question. You know, learning to ask questions is one of the most important skills you can learn. I am still not brilliant at it. I'm learning but I've got friends who like black belts in it. But, but it is so key to [00:00:30] keep growing in this. It'll make you a better author.
It'll make you a better speaker. It would definitely make you a better coach and it'll also make you a better entrepreneur. And so in this episode, we're going to look at the secret power of curiosity, the three golden rules of asking questions and dive into some key categories of [00:00:45] questions that we can ask.
Let's discuss.
Welcome to the [00:01:00] raw leader. My name is Simon Holly and my aim is to help you get your message out by helping you speak right coach or lead with less stress, more clarity and greater impact. The first thing,
what is the secret power of curiosity? What do questions actually achieve? Well, a few things. One is questions [00:01:15] build relationship. People warm to people who are interested in them. I get to know people as I ask questions. I can lead them better if I know them. Questions help leaders build rapport and strengthen relationships with their team members.
. By showing genuine interest in people's thoughts or [00:01:30] feelings and experiences, we cultivate trust. We cultivate empathy. And that in turn creates a supportive and collaborative environment where people feel comfortable sharing their ideas and concerns openly. That's why we've got to use more questions as leaders.
Secondly, questions grow [00:01:45] your knowledge. By asking questions, we can gain really valuable perspective, ideas, concerns that we might not have seen otherwise. That information helps our decision making, helps our strategic planning processes. They help us overcome our own blind spots. I asked [00:02:00] someone on my team, uh, the reason they'd done something.
Actually, the reason was completely the opposite of what I assumed the reason was. I was so glad I asked them, because if it was one way, it would have had a whole different response from me. But actually, when they explained the reason, it made so much more, uh, so much more sense. Thanks. [00:02:15] Thirdly, questions help others change more powerfully than statements do.
Statements often put people on the defensive, questions get under that guard, it gets people to think, I was talking to a young guy once I asked him a question, and honestly, he was a little bit defensive and gave a bit of a [00:02:30] defensive answer. I didn't think it was actually true what he said, but I thought I'll leave it.
Anyway, three or four weeks later, he came back and he's like, I've been thinking about that question. That's me. And it unraveled a whole conversation which was much more honest, much more heartfelt, and really able to [00:02:45] get to the heart of the issue. Questions also uncover the reasons for why something is happening or why someone's behaving the way that they are.
I love the story I heard years ago about the Lincoln Memorial in the States. Um, it's one of the kind of classic monuments in the States [00:03:00] and they were really wrestling because it was covered in bird poo. And so they were about to undergo this really expensive chemical cleaning of the whole memorial when somebody, some bright spark asked, well, why is it covered in bird poo?
And they were like, Well, that's just what birds do. And they're like, no, no, but look at the other memorials. [00:03:15] They don't have the same problem. And they're like, oh, yeah, you're right. So why is it covered in bird poo? And so they examined it a bit closer and they found that it was because there were so many spiders around the memorial.
But then the same person asked, well, why are there so many spiders? And they realized that it was [00:03:30] because the memorial was a real hotspot for midges. And the spiders came to catch the midges and the midges and the birds then came to eat the spiders. And so they asked, well, why are there so many midges?
And it was at that point they realised that it is because of the [00:03:45] lighting. The time that the lights came on around the memorial was exactly at dusk, exactly the point that was perfect for midgenookie. And so the midges were attracted because the lights came on at a certain time, the spiders were attracted to the midges, the birds were attracted to the spiders and pooed on the memorial.
[00:04:00] So the solution, rather than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars in cleaning, the solution was simply to turn the lights on an hour later. Amazing. Questions expose the reasons for something. Questions also promote critical thinking. Thoughtful [00:04:15] questions challenge assumptions, they stimulate critical thinking, they encourage problem solving.
By prompting people to reflect on beliefs and approaches, just like the story I started with, we create this culture of innovation and improvement. It can help people consider [00:04:30] alternate perspectives and explore creative solutions. And questions empower others. By asking coaching questions, leaders can help people discover their own solutions.
And I don't know about you, but when I come up with something myself, it's far more powerful [00:04:45] than if someone's just told me the solution. It builds my confidence. It builds my autonomy. It helps me approach others, other issues in the same light. So when we ask questions, it promotes personal growth, which is fantastic.
Someone once said this, The key to wisdom is [00:05:00] knowing all the right questions. And that is so true. Your curiosity is a superpower that needs to be untapped. Second thing is, I have learned there's three golden rules of asking questions. And again, I am still learning on this one. [00:05:15] But the first one is this, Open questions are far better than closed questions.
An open question is one without a yes or no answer. Open Any parent with teenage kids has learned this. Did you have a good day at school is a yes or no answer and you're not going to get much more than that. [00:05:30] How was your day at school is a far better question. What happened with your friends today? How was maths today?
Far better questions than, uh, yes or no closed questions. Second thing is, ask what questions, not why questions. Uh, questions that start [00:05:45] with why, uh, tend to put people on the defensive. Why did you leave the milk out of the fridge? It feels edgy, doesn't it? It feels critical. When you get a why question, we tend to get onto the defensive.
But another question, what was the reason or was there a reason that you left the [00:06:00] milk out of the fridge? That's curious. It's exploratory. It leaves room for reason. So, the second golden rule is ask what questions rather than why questions. And the third golden rule is listen to the answer. I know that should be self explanatory.
[00:06:15] But I know there's times in the past where I've asked questions. And I honestly was really not wanting to hear the answer. So don't ask questions and then not listen. I had a conversation with someone the other day. And it didn't take me long to realise that the only reason they asked me a question was so [00:06:30] that after I gave my answer, they would then give theirs.
But their answer I'm forever and they ask me questions. All right, but they weren't really interested in my answer. They just use their questions as a springboard to what they actually wanted to say. Don't ask questions so that you can [00:06:45] answer them. Listen to their answer. One really good way of doing that is to ask a follow on question.
It's a great way to show that to dive into curiosity. So thirdly, what kind of questions can we ask? We've got this superpower of curiosity, there's some golden [00:07:00] rules, but here's some key types of questions that I think are really, really important. Firstly, clarifying questions. Ask questions to probe deeper.
What did you mean when you said this or that? Especially if you're offended or hurt by what someone has said, try to dig [00:07:15] deeper by asking a clarifying question. I've got to get better at this. It's so easy to react in the moment with emotion. But you know, when when your boss gives you something and says it's urgent, awesome.
How urgent do you mean? And then remind them? Is it more urgent than this other thing I've been working on? [00:07:30] asking clarifying questions can be so powerful, whether it's to break the emotion of something to make sure you've really understood it, but or also to ask someone what's what else is going on here that's important.
How urgent is urgent or whatever it might be. The second [00:07:45] type of questions are empathetic questions. How are you feeling about what happened? What do you feel about what I said? Especially if there's been something painful or impactful, using this question can really help to open up a person. If you, even if you said something that perhaps [00:08:00] it's hard for them to hear, ask them how do you feel about that?
What do you think about what I've said? Is a great follow on question. Third types of questions are coaching questions. Great opener for a coaching relationship. What's on your mind is a brilliant opener. Follow it with is there [00:08:15] anything else? follow that with what's the real challenge for you here because that will really open up you've asked them what's on their mind they've given you uh something you you've asked them what else is there anything else so now you've got much fuller picture and then asking them what's the real [00:08:30] challenge will help you hone in you probably can't answer or help them with all the things but what's the one that's really challenging Great.
Uh, three opening coaching questions. They open up conversation to what's really going on and help to direct you to where you can best focus your efforts in that, that [00:08:45] session that you're spending with people. Fourth type of questions are option questions. What are our options? What are your options? I love this question.
In fact, in teams that I'm in, I am known for it. I always try and come up or help the team come up with at least three options. And I get mocked if I can only [00:09:00] come up with two. But especially when you're a bit stark or confused or the person that you're with is I find that asking what the options are or what their options are really helps you to sift through the chaos.
And very often, you've, you've stated a couple of [00:09:15] options there, once you've finished looking at all the options that are really not viable, and it can really help with decision making just because people stating, well, here's all the possible options. And we can see immediately, even if you come up with five, there's two of them that just are not palatable.
Okay, so we're left with [00:09:30] three helps people to, um, to focus on on that. So options questions. Another great option question is, whatever you say yes to, you're saying something you're saying no to something else. In this case, what are you saying no to? [00:09:45] Whatever you say yes to something, you're saying no to something else.
In this case, what are you saying no to? That's a great options question. It because I never knew this question for years and then I discovered it and it's been such a lifesaver because resources are finite. [00:10:00] Time, money, energy, it's all limited. So whenever any of us say yes to something, we are automatically saying no to something else.
But so often we don't think about that until it's too late, or we've run out of time, money, or energy. I found it so helpful for me to think, okay, if I do this, [00:10:15] I'm saying no to something else. I can't just keep adding stuff to my plate. What actually am I saying no to? Such a powerful question. Options questions.
And then lastly, trajectory questions. What do you think will be the impact of this plan? Where do you think this plan will end up? [00:10:30] It helps people think through implications. I'm pretty good at following through. If I do A, what's going to happen when I get to B? But many people aren't. So helping them think that through can be so, so powerful.
Where does this trajectory end us? Where is this plan going to [00:10:45] end us? Trajectory questions. I was in a meeting one time and a group was right on the point of making a decision. I wasn't really sure if it was a good idea. So I asked that question. Where do you think this plan is going to end up? And as we unpack that together, it totally reversed the decision because people could see [00:11:00] the implications of where it, what looked good in the short term, actually in the long term, would have been a really disastrous plan.
So there you go. I hope you found that helpful. Voltaire said this, judge a man by his questions rather than his answers. I think it's [00:11:15] so true and so profound. Go for it. Ask great questions. If you want the notes for this episode, head over to the rawleader. com forward slash questions and grab your free download.
Thanks so much for listening. It's been great to be with you. See you in another episode. [00:11:30] [00:11:45]
